Say Anything.

[40 yr. old SWM]

*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

[40 yr. old SWM]

[40 yr. old SWM]

What do you do if a Nun's driving a bus?

*AAAAAARRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!*

[40 yr. old SWM]

*GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOUUUUUWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!*

[40 yr. old SWM]

Hahaha!
You poo'd your pants!

[40 yr. old SWM]

Wait....wait....
Ehhhhhhhhh-hhhhhhh-hhhhhhhhh*BLAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUU*

[40 yr. old SWM]

 Sunday, July 13, 2008
   

    Almost instantly I feel the difference on just 37.5 mg Effexor. I notice I'm walking more relaxed, I'm even looking around me, even AT people. Instead of at the ground. f*** people still PISS me off though. At least it's a start. It really saddens me though to realize that I will have to take meds for the rest of mein life, jusw to have even the slightest CHANCE of at least ACTING like normal. Even at this early stage tho, despite mein being able to find the courage/strength to get up & go down to mein favorite coffee shop, I'm still quite unstable. I hope it passes tho. I so DESPERATELY want to find peace & tranquility & most of all, lose this anger at the world.
   & I just received a call from Helena, telling me how dad had 2 more "accidents" this week. f***, it's no wonder I'm depressed. I never hear ANY good news from her. It's gotten to where I dread seeing her come up because I always know it's gonna be bad news about dad.
   God, it's GREAT to be able to actually LOOK at people again. I'm watching a parade of people pass by me on the street, & as my eyes catch the occasional person, I feel no guilt. No awkwardness. GOD it's WONDERFUL. That does it. I am NEVER, EVER going off my meds again.
   SO many hot asses walking by.  AND I'm not intimidated, or even bitter. This is FANTASTIC!  It's almost unbeleivable. Soiled britches.
   How 'bout that? Even on the dope, I'm still bothered by the sound of Spic Speak. Wow. My Racism must REALLY run deep. And as I'm writing this, a whole family of the BLACKEST n***s is standing RIGHT beside me. God's sending me some sort of message here.
   Holy sh-, you can't ESCAPE Spic Speak in this city. I have not heard ONE conversation in english in the past hour. Jebus I think they might now be the dominant race in this town. Outnumbering even the Chin Wa. sh-! How the f*** did THAT happen? Whitey is truly on the way out.

[40 yr. old SWM]

 Saturday, July 14, 2007
   

I simply want the good. That's it. There's nothing more to it. Is that so hard to understand?

It's been over a month now at the reduced Dopage & I clearly see my anger & irritability with people rising to the surface again. Things like people in line behind me, are bothering me again. I'm starting to second guess people's intentions again, & while I'm not in full panic mode yet, I can see that I WON'T be able to go completely off the Dope for awhile yet, if ever.
    And yet, I see things like Ads on TV, with apparently Christian parents, for sponsoring a child & I WANT to be that good. I don't want to be at odds with Humanity, I want to EMBRACE all the best qualities of Mankind, I want to be the BEST example of a kind, generous & loving, caring person I can be, & yet my untapped anger prevents me from doing so & it breaks my heart. I mean, I SEE & can at least RECOGNIZE good acts in people, but my anger keeps me so far removed from being a part of it, it's almost like I'm watching my life, through someone else's eyes. Do you know what it's like to feel this way?  Is there anyone else out there that feels like this? Help me be part of the Human community. Help me to not be a prisoner of my own weaknesses & failings. I just want to love unconditionally.